Graphic Novel Review – V. E. SCHWAB’S Shades of Magic: The Steel Prince: The Rebel Army Vol 3

Shades of Magic Insta All 3rd Vols

Hey guys!!

I know it’s been a while but I have an AMAZING graphic novel to chat about! It’s not very often that I review comics and graphic novels but this just had to be done. Victorias last instalment of her three part Shades of Magic comic saga is absolutely astonishing.

The story itself breaks away from her New York Times bestselling novel trilogy: Shades of Magic. It’s in the same world that she introduces in the novels, though instead of focusing on Kell, Rys and Delilah Bard, it focuses on Rys’ father King Maxim before he became king and was hailed The Steel Prince. In the previous two graphic novels within this three-part arc – Maxim was sent to the lawless land of Verose by his own father to learn how to fend for himself. Whilst there he endeavours to clean up the streets and gain respect from his fellow army men – though to do so, he must face multiple challenges including the Pirate Queen and The Night of Knives. But in the third volume, he must face his most challenging feat yet – overcoming The Rebel Army that marches against him. The Rebel Army is a lawless army of criminals led by a corrupt and rare Antari magician (a magic wielder that has power over all of the elements) that threaten to take the throne from both Maxim and his father which would inevitably lead to a lawless, cruel and tyrannous world.


The third volume is a powerful culmination of all the things Maxim has learnt and achieved. In the previous graphic novel, he convinced his army that he was worth following. In this graphic novel, he has to convince the whole of Verose. Baring in mind the majority of the people that live there are both poor and hard done by who have no love for the crown. Regardless, he makes his stand and becomes the strong leader his father always hoped for. Possibly more than his father every hoped for actually.

When I was reading this last instalment, I couldn’t get my head round how far Maxim had come. You can kinda see in all the decisions he makes, where he learns to make them in the previous instalments, it’s definitely a story about personal growth and the accomplishments people can create if they put the work in. Trust can be built even among the most mistrusting of individuals if effort is made.

One of the great thing about this comic series is that you don’t need to have read the original novels to enjoy it because it’s set way before the novels take place. You don’t really even need to know who Prince Maxim is either to enjoy his journey. As a big comic fan, I can also say that it’s probably one of the easiest transitional sagas to get into if you’ve never really read comics before. It is in comic form but it’s not a classic comic strip – which I actually think is amazing because it opens the comic platform up to new readers. But this wouldn’t be easily done without the fantastic artwork and colourisation done by the ever talented Andrea Olimpieri and Enrica Eren Angiolini.


It really wouldn’t be right me mentioning this graphic novel without mentioning the incredible artists.

Andrea Olimpieri is an Italian illustrator that worked on the entirety of the Shades of Magic: The Steel Prince trilogy but has previously worked on a saga named Dishonored – also with Titan Comics.

Instagram Tag: @olimpieri.andrea

Twitter Tag: @AndreaOlimpieri

Enrica Eren Angiolini is another Italian colourist that started out working on the colour of Warhammer 40,000 – who then went on to be the colourist for Titan Comics ever popular The Thirteenth Doctor comic book series. She later became the colourist for the Shades of Magic sequence but has plans to be working on the upcoming Time Lord Victorious comic saga – as part of the Time Lord Victorious multimedia platform event.

Instagram Tag: @ladyeren

Twitter Tag: @ErenAngiolin


I’m pretty happy to say this is one of my favourite comic book endings i’ve ever read – baring in mind I love fantasy YA which this comic saga no doubt is. Though it could be enjoyed by most ages. The biggest question i’m left with though undoubtedly has to be – which element would I myself be able to manipulate if I lived in there world. After great thought – i’d ofcourse want to be an Antari that can manipulate all, though I very much doubt i’d be lucky enough to be that – so in retrospect, I think i’d be a Bone Magician. Able to manipulate peoples skeletons. That or a blood magic user.

Thanks for joining me and will chat more on books and comics later this month as i’m planning to get back into regular reviews! Though please don’t send me any requests as I already have a TBR list as long as my body so…


Shades of Magic: The Steel Prince Vol 1: 



Shades of Magic: The Steel Prince: The Knight of Knives Vol 2: 



Shades of Magic: The Steel Prince: The Rebel Army Vol 3:



For Shades of Magic: The Steel Prince: The Rebel Army Vol 3 Special Editions:

Forbidden Planet Special Edition:

Forbidden Planet Special Edition vol 3

Barnes and Noble Special Edition:

Barnes and Noble Special Edition vol 3

Titan Comics Main Edition:



Book Review: The Electrical Venus by Julie Mayhew


I just finished reading this sweet YA novel and I have to say, it was pretty emotional. I was sent this book by Hot Key Books and I am so glad for it. But where to begin. The Electrical Venus by Julie Mayhew is an easy to read novel, I wouldn’t consider it full-blown fantasy but it definitely has fantastical elements I think a fantasy lover would like.

The story revolves around a young girl named Mim, she’s ‘exotic’ being of mixed skin colour, but she’s also a glorified slave in a travelling show. The only person she really has for friendship is a one-armed boy and a green parrot named George. However she soon realises her future in the show may be cut short due to her lack of profitability. She doesn’t have an act worth paying for and as much as her one-armed companion tries to help her become something more, she knows deep-down that she will soon be sold. Until an unusual man enters her life by the name of Sebastian. He is a scientist of sorts with an answer to her prayers. He notices her beauty and helps her discover a potential routine with the use of electricity. In honesty, it’s quite barbaric. He sends electrical currents through her, lighting her up like a Christmas tree, then invites random strangers in the crowd to kiss her for money. Many a customer are intrigued, to feel the spark of ‘love’ as they literally get a taste of electrocution through her lips.

This act becomes quite the spectacle and draws crowds from far and wide. Mim believes she is bettering herself, losing herself in the heady heights of fame and fortune, no longer one of the common folk like her old armless friend Alex. Eventually Sebastian takes Mim away from the show, stealing her away in the night. Much to Alex’s sadness, a young man that could see the beauty in Mim long before she ever could. But Mim soon realises Sebastian is not all he appears, and that he would as easy ‘lend’ her to other men as any other. No, it was not love that they shared. So she runs back to the show, only to find Alex has created his own wonderful act and is with another lady. But of course, they eventually come up with a better act that they can both share and their true love is realised. It’s all very dramatic.

In truth, I found the story a bit slow in the middle, but when it gets to those fiery bits, you’ll be happy you waited. Mayhew builds tension like no other, positively choking us with it. Mim is a great character, naive for sure but positively hopeful. She reminds me of many young girls, waiting to reach their full potential. Naively fumbling about until they figure out what they really want. Alex is by far the most charming of characters, positively electrifying (pardon the pun). And George the parrot keeps the spirit of the travelling show alive. I absolutely recommend reading this novel, it’s a nice light read that will make you think about all the opportunities that await you in your life.




I know it’s been a long time since I last posted, but I have some pretty exciting news! I am now a part of a new independent publishing house named Hysteric Press, and it’s amazing. It’s going to publish fiction that has a character/theme/plot on mental health or neurological fiction. If you’re an author, we’re now taking submissions so you should really take a look, we’ve got a pretty epic team.

Submissions' callout!

To visit our new website, please go to: 

More info coming soon!



A Poem By A Friend

So now and then I get shown amazing pieces of art that I feel obligated to share with the world and here is the latest I absolutely love! Do comment and tell the budding poet what you think!


Tell me dear mind

Tell me dear mind

What caused you to turn?

What made you a traitor

Who’d watch me burn?

Your alliance with emotion

Both turned against me

A trust suddenly broken

To a state I could not see

Was it my mother

Who bore me to term?

Or my father

Who raised me with concern?

Was it my brother

Who slighted and teased?

Or was it my friends

All to ready to leave?

Was it my teachers

Cold and unattached?

Or was it my love

Whom I just couldn’t catch?

Was it my doctor

Who prescribed without thought?

That caused me to think my life was for naught

Tell me dear mind

What I did to deserve

The sleepless nights,

The functioning on reserves

I’ll scramble together the pieces of me

To fill up the cracks and find harmony

Tell me dear mind is it plain to see?

That simply you were only protecting me


By Miss Wellstead

An open letter to suicide.

One of the most beautiful, heart-wrenching things I’ve ever read. Utterly devastating and raw. I beg you all to read and listen, to understand.

Surviving Suicide - A Sister's Story


Dear Suicide,

You are possibly the one thing that I never really gave much consideration to when I was growing up. Why would I? I enjoyed a blissful childhood, surrounded by two loving parents and two unique but equally loving sisters. Whilst we had our squabbles, our fallouts and our screaming matches – as sisters do – we grew up to become best friends. We lived together, socialised with the same friends and despite the difference in years, we shared similar interests. As a threesome we relied on each other and always had each other’s best welfare at heart. Then you came along!

I suppose looking back you seeped unknowingly into our lives way before we even knew you existed, like a slow growing cancer that lies dormant for so long that you have to watch and wait, to see not if but when, it’s going to cause damage. Unlike…

View original post 1,411 more words

Book Review: Northern Lights by Philip Pullman (His Dark Materials Trilogy)


Hello, Hello, Hello! I know it’s been a while but I’ve been swamped by uni work and other miscellaneous chores! Today however I’m here to tell you a few things I’ve learnt about no: 1 in the ‘His Dark Materials‘ trilogy, also known at ‘Northern Lights‘ by Philip Pullman. I’ve always had a little conundrum with this series, I’ve had it sitting on my shelves since I was seven years old, but never gotten round to reading them. In fact, on many occasions I’ve actually lied to people and told them I’ve read them because I feel like they are the staple classic YA fantasy. To not read them as a massive fantasy fan, I feel like I have betrayed myself. So I decided to correct the situation and get them read. I was not disappointed.

Number 1 in this trilogy revolves around a young girl named Lyra Belacqua who lives in a world parallel to ours. In her world their are many wonderful things such as talking polar bears, witches and animal soul mates called ‘daemons’. However, their’s severe unrest between her Uncle Asriel and the rest of the world over a strange substance that holds all the worlds together, commonly known as ‘Dust’. When Lyra learns about this magical substance and the parallel worlds, she is drawn into a dark and life changing prophecy. A prophecy wherein she will single-handedly save the world or doom it. Along the way to this penultimate conclusion, she is swallowed by many other sinister plots, of which she is yet to know are all connected. She must save missing children from the frightful ‘Gobblers’. She’ll fight side by side an armored bear and win him back his legacy. But most importantly, she must learn to read her ‘Alethiometer’, a golden compass that tells the truth in a world that lives on lies.

Truth be told, I watched the film ‘The Golden Compass‘ before I read this and I have to say, I’m impressed by how similar the book and film are. The majority of the main bits are in the film, in a slightly different order perhaps, but they’re still there. All except for the last couple of chapters which holds the truth you are waiting to learn the whole way through the novel. In those chapters, we learn the meaning of the prophecy surrounding Lyra, her uncles true ambitions and what Dust actually means for her world.

Of course I need to comment on the elephant in the room, so to speak. The so-called blasphemy within the book. Truth be told there are so many different religious meanings you could take away from the novel and not all blasphemic. It’s true that their’s strong anti-religious sentiment within the novel which you don’t really understand until the very end, but in my opinion their’s also a lot of bits that suggest God is good and worth saving. Although many might read it and think simply that it is all anti-god, I personally think it questions some beliefs but only to help you yourself think about them thoroughly, to help you come to your own conclusion. I don’t think anyone should take part in something without thoroughly knowing it’s the right thing for them and this novel encourages one to think about it properly, to make an informed decision. It highlights the consequences of people following things blindly. Which I can’t say is a bad thing and I myself am religious.

Overall, a genius piece of work that has me gasping for more. I can’t wait to finish the second one so that I can inform you more! Exciting!



Working Hard? Maybe. But try harder.

Hey guys,

I hope you’re all living safe and well! Today I want to discuss a MAHOOSIVE problem when concerning mental health issues in today’s society. It’s the whole issue where people think you’ve not been working hard for what you get. Effectively suggesting you should be able to cope and work super hard like everyone else.

To start my thoughts on this, I want you to ask yourself: what do you consider as ‘working hard’?

Does working hard mean working a large amount of hours in the week? And if so, how many precisely? Does it mean not getting any holidays? Does it mean getting a certain amount of words written in a day? Does it mean physical work or mental? Does it mean working a lot without great remuneration? Does it mean building up a sweat whilst doing it? Does it mean emotionally draining yourself to the point you cannot mentally cope with any more? Does it mean succeeding in something whilst coping with other external factors?

My thoughts are these: ‘working hard’ is a myth people use to degrade other peoples efforts, whom they believe are lesser in some way to themselves.

But this is a big problem most people with mental illness will face at least once in their life time. And I’m here to tell you, your opinions on what ‘working hard’ is, can seriously damage a person. I know people without mental health issues also face this problem, when you’ve been working hard but your friends or family haven’t seen it or don’t understand what you’ve been doing. They then tell you that you should be doing what they do because that is considered working hard to them. They might well be working hard, but it doesn’t mean to say that what you’re doing is any less trying or emotional.

The effects of this kind of stigma/ignorance can be mentally destructive for both those with and without mental health issues, but for someone with them that is likely trying really damn hard to even do the things you’d consider everyday and normal, it can be disastrous, even life threatening.

It sounds stupid doesn’t, something as little as your opinion on what ‘working hard’ is, effecting others to the point they could potentially hurt themselves over it. But it does. It’s not stupid. It happens every single day. But people still aren’t seeing the connection to what they’ve said about a person being lazy or less than them has, to someone committing suicide.

It’s really not that hard to understand, but people drop these nasty little comments into conversations all the time. Some people even kid themselves into thinking they are trying to help the person do better for themselves. But you’re not, you’re only making them feel even less adequate.

Things people say:

  1. Why don’t you just do what I do. If I can do it, why can’t you?
  2. I never see you doing any work, what do you even do with your time?
  3. All your problems come down to the fact you’re not working hard enough, you’re just lazy.
  4. Why don’t you bother trying?
  5. Their’s nothing wrong with you. Just get on with it.


1- First of all, not everyone is the same. Some people can’t do what you do. Do you know why? BECAUSE THEY AREN’T YOU.

2- How much work they do isn’t really up to you to decide, you may not see them do anything, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t. Just skip straight to “what have you been up to?” instead.

3- Again you have no idea how hard a person is working. So just shut your mouth.

4- I actually have an answer to this one. Why would anyone bother trying if all they’re going to receive are comments about how even then, they aren’t trying. I know I wouldn’t bother.

5- I can’t believe I even have to talk about that last one, but it’s necessary. UNLESS YOU ARE A PSYCHIC, YOU HAVE NO IDEA IF THEIRS SOMETHING WRONG WITH SOMEONE. Not even doctors always get this one right, so who the hell do you think you are to know whether someone’s ill and trying or not. Simple answer to this is, just don’t say it, don’t even think it. But if you can’t help yourself from thinking it, keep your ignorant opinion to yourself. We have enough negativity to deal with, most of us are in denial of our problems anyway, so don’t make it harder for those people with a mental illness to come to terms with it.

That one silly little opinion can make someone feel so small, so worthless. What is more important to you, your opinion on whether someone is working hard enough or the mental stability of the person you’re saying it to?

Next time when you’re thinking of saying something along those lines…don’t. It’s not hard.

If we can start changing this idea and really think about what we’re saying, maybe fewer people in the world would die from crippling emotional pain, caused by other peoples ignorance.

Well, I feel better for letting that time bomb off. Thanks for reading and remember, don’t be a twat.





Book Review: Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo…naughty Darkling turd


Hey guys!

It’s been a while since I last wrote a book review. I’ve been a bit ill lately and became waylaid somewhat. But after my inability to read a book for quite a while, I think I might be back on track and what better way to start than with a new author to me such as Bardugo. As I say, I haven’t read any of Bardugo’s new stuff yet and I’m aware she’s just brought out a new novel called ‘The Language of Thorns‘. All amazing things to look out for. But for this review, I’ll be talking about the first novel of her Grisha trilogy: Shadow and Bone.

It was released in 2012, so one of her earliest novels and if I’m honest…you can tell. The plot surrounds young orphan Alina Starkov who has been enlisted in Ravkas army as a map cartographer. Bland and useless, she has always envied the beautiful Grisha, magical wielding soldiers of Ravka, able to manipulate different elements. But this all changes on a trip she undertakes with the army across the unsea, a dark evil place separating Ravka’s land. It’s here, when under attack by flying monsters named the Volcra, she discovers she too is a Grisha, able to wield sunlight of all things. This is a gift long thought dead, and the only magical element able to destroy the dreaded unsea. She is quickly taken from her oldest friend Mal and enlisted in the Grisha army where she begins to train and expand her gift under the watching eye of ‘The Darkling’, second only in power to the King. The Darkling is the leader of the Grisha, specially gifted with darkness, some might say the opposite of Alinas gift. All seems well at first as he tricks her into believing she is there to help them destroy the unsea, but Alina later learns all is not well and he in fact intends to use her gifts for much darker purposes.

The general idea is fantastic, a whole new world to delve into. I like the idea of snooty Grishas looking down on their non-magical counterparts, much like the rich and the poor in our current world. But unfortunately, the novel lacks depth of surroundings. Even the characters seem a little un-characterized, all blending into one in many respects. Bardugo has however built her world relatively well considering it’s one of her earliest attempts at writing. I’ve often noticed that world building is a talent that often starts to really shine after a few attempts. But Bardugo has built quite a cool backstory and current day setting for the reader to delve into which is quite hard to complete in the first novel of a series. I have no doubts that the characterization will go much further in the second one (Siege and Storm), as the Darkling further shows his true colours. By the end of the novel, Alina is starting to become a much stronger character. At first she seems quite whimsical and unable to carry her role as lead character. But nearer the end of the novel, she’s starting to show signs of a complicated character with real human emotion and difficulties. Something I look forward to reading more of in the novel to come.

Overall, a good read. Not the best read I’ve ever read in the YA fantasy genre, but definitely not the worst. I am looking forward to reading the second and third, so that’s something.



A thousand sins and an apology.

So I haven’t written on here for a while, but considering the amount of content I have on my blog, my mental health rants appear to be the most popular. God knows why. I part think it’s because people are just nosy, but I don’t mind. Here we are again, one more for you all. Now this isn’t quite the mental health post in the normal sense but it is a piece of my mind none the less.

Since the ripe old age of eleven, I have been going to counselors, therapists, mental health nurses, psychologists, family therapists, doctors, brain injury specialists, post-traumatic stress therapists, brain surgeons and witch doctors. Every single one has told me to write it down. Write what you feel down. Rip it up. Throw it away. Keep it. Show it. Talk about it. And not once have I listened. Because when the red rage comes and the dark descends, I do not want to write it down. I do not want to talk about it. I want to scream it out or drown it in liquor. Fortunately, the red rage is not inside me and the darkness has not descended yet, I can feel it coming, but right now I am the calm before the storm. Their is never a time where my true feelings and emotions are more clear. It’s like looking in a still pool and seeing the clearest reflection. It’s strange really because this state of being always comes before the roaring waves of emotion. I think it does anyway.

But this time, I’m writing it down. Yes, the countless, nameless amounts of therapists. You won. I’m finally doing it. You probably didn’t mean me to make it public but I’m often rash and reckless. So it’s happening and I can see you all now shaking your heads at me, and it’s because of that, that I am even more determined to do it. F*** it let’s push those buttons.

“If your going to walk on thin ice, then you may aswell dance.” – Unknown

But as my title suggests, I’m not actually here to anger people. I’m here to say a few things that I have never said before. I’m sure you all have those things you’d wish you’d said to people. Those words that were on the tip of your tongue but you never spat out. No matter how much it hurt to keep them in. No matter how much it was right to do so. And for most people, you will forget those things. Those words will slide away and become nothing more than an old scar on your tongue. Dust on the wind. But for me, I remember them. They still bug me, fifteen years on and they still bug me. I remember them. I remember it all, as though it was yesterday.

Most are apologies, things I wish I’d said. Things I wish I could’ve explained. Things I wish you could understand. So here I will list it all. I will put the first letter of the name I am thinking. The participants of this will likely never read it, and if they do, here it is. Here is what it was. Here is my apology, for my one thousand sins and my one thousand cuts.

To A, 2006-2009: We should never have been friends. You already had a best friend in R. And S. You didn’t need me. And when you figured that out, I was so sad. You told everyone I bullied you, that I was being horrible to you, it was a way of getting me out of your life, proving to R that you weren’t really my friend. Everyone thought I was the bully because I was tall and you were small. Of course they believed you. But I thank you for your apology three years later. It was sincere. But it was too late.

To J, 2004-2011: We were friends for so long. You were my sister. I was there when your father died. I was sad because you were sad. I cried because you cried. When you found a new group of friends, I was so angry. I said some hurtful things. Not because I hated you, but because I felt I’d lost family. And you retaliated by being cruel too. I was so upset. I blamed myself, I shouldn’t have been angry. We were both at fault. I still wonder how you’re doing and I hope you’re well and that you still ride your horses. And maybe think of me occasionally and smile about those two kids in my garden, pretending to be ponies.

To B, 2009-2013: For you B, I have only to say I hope you keep yourself safe. That is all I wish. You, like me have a calling for life-threatening situations. We have both seen the white clinical walls of multiple psych wards. I stayed away from you because I saw myself and I saw my end. We would have been poisonous to eachother if we had stayed friends. And I didn’t want to make things worse for you. But know that you do deserve more and you must forgive yourself for the errors you have made. We all make them, small and big. We are only human. And you deserve much more, if only you will allow yourself.

To L, 2014-2015: This is a hard one. A really difficult one. We were not friends long. But you meant a lot. You were with me when I lost him. You bought me flowers and a pomegranate fruit because they are “the fruits of happiness”. But I scared you with my insanity. I was young. You couldn’t cope with it for long. And when you found that guy, it was an excuse to not see me anymore. I was so angry. I lashed out at you. I couldn’t stop messaging, I was so mad. I thought you understood me. I didn’t know you actually detested all the nights out we had, the laughs and the jokes. That was why I was sad, I realized you didn’t care at all. I brought you out of your depression and taught you how to live again. But you couldn’t do that for me, you didn’t want to try.

To E, 2014-current: Their is so much you need to say to me. I know their is. You spilled some of it when you were drunk recently. I know you are angry. I understand some of it, and some not so much. But know I have always cared for you. You once made me feel very beautiful and I don’t forget that. Even if you now call me Jabbas Wife and ‘Filth’ whatever that is. I hope one day you decide to talk to me about it. Because I can guarantee my answers are going to be far different to what you expect. You might even like some of them. At the end of the day, part of me loves you. I know it’s f***ed up, but it always has and likely always will.

To A, 2014-current: I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I don’t want to lose you again. But I am still angry. I don’t mean to be, but the blow you dealt changed me in so many ways. I am bitter and bruised from what we were and what we are now not. You owe me nothing and I owe you even less. And yet it is still there. That irritating calm I feel when you are near. The love. I cannot hate you. I will never hate you. I only hate me, for not being able to let go. But I guess that’s me and you have to deal with that.

To K, 2014-2016: I still don’t know why we are not friends anymore. I have blamed E for quite a while, but I realize that is unlikely to have been the cause. I doubt she would have said anything nasty in truth. I would one day like to know why we aren’t friends anymore, perhaps there is a good reason for it, who knows. But I did value your friendship. I want you to know that. And I wish we could have spoken about it.

To E, 2009-2016: This is a really hard one for me, it still feels so fresh. And to be honest, I still don’t know what I think about it all entirely. I guess I expected more is all. We’d been friends so long. We were both writers at heart. You are not a bad person. In honesty, I have never thought you a bad person. You were what I made you. When we first met, you were so quiet, so timid. I made you into my own image. I should not have been surprised that you turned around and bit me on the ass, with a bit of E flair though. You took the people I thought were my friends, they are your friends now, I guess they were never really mine. You told me he had hurt you, and I want you to know I got on a train straight away to see you, to be there for YOU. We went to the pub, sure. But I could’ve gone to the pub in London, I didn’t need to come to Dorset for that. I came for you. To help you. I thought it would help to get you out of the house, get you back into the swing of things, remember you had friends and fun times still to live. I’m sorry you thought I just wanted a friend to go to the pub with, that wasn’t what I meant at all. And I was so angry at you for the exaggeration of truth. I realize now you were probably just confused. You didn’t really understand or know what you felt about the situation. You just needed a friend. And I got angry at you because I felt that you had lied on purpose, to hurt me, because you knew my history. You knew it would trigger a response. But in reality, you probably didn’t realize. It’s not an excuse, but I had just lost one best friend and my beloved pet wolf who meant a lot to me. My emotions were all over the place, I was scared, angry, confused, exhausted, lonely and sad. I know I scared you that night I got really drunk. I don’t blame you, I would have been too. One thing that has always been clear to me, those that I care about most, I tend to lash out at. I don’t know why, I hate it I truly do, and I am still working on it. My love always comes out in anger, it doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I care too much. I wanted to help you, I wanted you to understand why saying things like that could really affect people so that you never did it again, I didn’t want to push you away. I wanted to help you understand, but it came out in anger and poison. I ended up in hospital that night because I knew what I had done, that I had lost a great friend and it was entirely my fault. I do not blame you for that. I hope you are happy nowadays. You look really beautiful and have really come into your own. You should be proud of yourself. You deserve happiness. I hope that one day, we will pass each other in the street and be able to smile, maybe even nod. I know this is not quite what you thought I would say, and I smile knowing I gave you one more shock to the system.

To L, a few days ago: I am sorry. It’s irrational maybe, but I felt betrayed. I have a habit of reflecting people, reflecting their emotions and thoughts. You always felt like you had to defend yourself for being friends with E. And I reflected it, I always felt like I had to be defensive of not being friends with E. The way I see the situation is entirely different to how you have explained how you see it. And I am sorry, but I cannot change how I feel about that. However I am sorry for the verbal diarrhea I recently spit to you on Instagram. I got to a point where I felt so hurt, and it turned to anger as it often does when about people I care about. I shouldn’t have told you that truth in that way. And it is a truth. It was never supposed to be uttered, it has been so many years. But in honesty I feel a little lighter knowing you and J both know. Even if you don’t believe it, that’s okay, I needed to say it anyway. I really do wish the best for you, you have worked so hard for happiness and you couldn’t deserve it more.

I think that’s it. Strange. It does actually feel better writing it all out. Did the doctors actually get it right for once? Did they actually say something useful? Well blow my socks. I wonder how many of you have read all of this like some kind of sit-com, trying to guess who each one is. Really no one will understand it except the people it involves. A pointless post if ever there was one, but it feels good anyway, so I don’t care. I will write one soon that makes more sense. But for now, this is all you’re getting. My one thousand cuts.


P.S I had to put on my war face to write and post this. Metaphors mean a lot to me.