A thousand sins and an apology

So I haven’t written on here for a while…but considering the amount of content I have on my blog, my mental health rants appear to be the most popular…god knows why. I part think it’s because people are just nosy, but I don’t mind. But here we are again, one more for you all. Now this isn’t quite the mental health post in the normal sense but it is a piece of my mind none the less.

Since the ripe old age of 11, I have been going to counselors, therapists, mental health nurses, Psychologists, family therapists, doctors, brain injury specialists, post-traumatic stress therapists, brain surgeons and witch doctors. Every single one has told me to write it down. Write what you feel down. Rip it up. Throw it away. Keep it. Show it. Talk about it. And not once have I listened. Because when the red rage comes and the dark descends, I do not want to write it down. I do not want to talk about it. I want to scream it out or drown it in liquor. Fortunately, the red rage is not inside me and the darkness has not descended yet, I can feel it coming, but right now I am the calm before the storm. There is never a time where my true feelings and emotions are more clear. It’s like looking in a still pool and seeing the clearest reflection. It’s strange really because this state of being always comes before the roaring waves of emotion. I think it does anyway.

But this time, I’m writing it down. Yes, the countless and nameless amounts of therapists. You won. I’m finally doing it. You probably didn’t mean me to make it public, but I’m often rash and reckless. So it’s happening and I can see you all now shaking your heads at me, and it’s because of that, that I am even more determined to do it. F*** it let’s push those buttons.

“If your going to walk on thin ice, then you may aswell dance.” – Unknown

But as my title suggests, I’m not actually here to anger people. I’m here to say a few things that I have never said before. I’m sure you all have those things you’d wish you’d said to people. Those words that were on the tip of your tongue but you never spat out. No matter how much it hurt to keep them in. No matter how much it was right to do so. And for most people, you will forget those things. Those words will slide away and become nothing more than an old scar on your tongue. Dust on the wind. But for me, I remember them. They still bug me, 15 years on they still bug me. I remember them. I remember it all, as though it was yesterday.

Most are apologies, things I wish I’d said. Things I wish I could’ve explained. Things I wish you could understand. So here I will list it all. I will put the first letter of the name I am thinking. The participants of this will likely never read it, and if they do, here it is. Here is what it was. Here is my apology, for my one thousand sins, and my one thousand cuts.

To A, 2006-2009: We should never have been friends. You already had a best friend in R. And S. You didn’t need me. And when you figured that out, I was so sad. You told everyone I bullied you, that I was being horrible to you, it was a way of getting me out of your life, proving to R that you weren’t really my friend. Everyone thought I was the bully because I was tall and you were small. Of course they believed you. But I thank you for your apology three years later. It was sincere. But it was too late.

To J, 2004-2011: We were friends for so long. You were my sister. I was there when your father died. I was sad because you were sad. I cried because you were sad. When you found a new group of friends, I was so angry. I said some hurtful things. Not because I hated you, but because I felt I’d lost family. And you retaliated by being cruel too. I was so upset. I blamed myself, I shouldn’t have been angry. We were both at fault. I still wonder how you’re doing, and I hope you’re well and that you still ride your horses. And maybe think of me occasionally, and smile about those two kids in my garden, pretending to be ponies.

To E, 2009-2011: You were an utter b*tch. I don’t forget. You tried to reconnect with me not long ago. When all your ‘friends’ realized you were a spineless coward. I wish you well, but I still hate you.

To B, 2009-2013: For you B, I have only to say I hope you keep yourself safe. That is all I wish. You, like me have a calling for life-threatening situations. We have both seen the white clinical walls of multiple Psych wards. I stayed away from you because I saw myself, and I saw my end. We would have been poisonous to each other if we had stayed friends. And I didn’t want to make things worse for you. But know that you do deserve more, and you must forgive yourself for the errors you have made. We all make them, small and big. We are only human. And you deserve much more, if only you will allow yourself.

To L, 2014-2015: This is a hard one. A really difficult one. We were not friends long. But you meant a lot. You were with me when I lost him. You bought me flowers and pomegranate fruit because they are ‘the fruits of happiness’. But I scared you with my insanity, I was young. You couldn’t cope with it for long. And when you found that guy, it was an excuse to not see me anymore. I was so angry. I lashed out at you. I couldn’t stop messaging, I was so mad. I thought you understood me. I didn’t know you actually detested all the nights out we had, the laughs and the jokes. That was why I was sad, I realized you didn’t care at all. I brought you out of your depression and taught you how to live again. But you couldn’t do that for me, you didn’t want to try. I’m sorry I was so mad at you, I shouldn’t have been, you only wanted peace and quiet. A happy life. And you deserved it. I should never have been angry with you for that.

To E, 2014-current: There is so much you need to say to me. I know there is. You spilled some of it when you were drunk recently. I know you are angry. I understand some of it, and some not so much. But know I have always cared for you. You once made me feel very beautiful, and I don’t forget that. Even if you now call me Jabbas Wife and ‘Filth’ whatever that is. I hope one day you decide to talk to me about it. Because I can guarantee my answers are going to be far different to what you expect. You might even like some of them. At the end of the day, part of me loves you. I know it’s fucked up, but it always has and likely always will.  P.S, I still have your lighter. P.P.S I know you are not a kid. Your eyes are that of an old man. That is why it all happened, if I thought you were a kid, it would not have.

To A, 2014-current: I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I don’t want to lose you again. But I am still angry. I don’t mean to be, but the blow you dealt changed me in so many ways. I am bitter and bruised from what we were and what we are now not. You owe me nothing and I owe you even less. And yet it is still there. That irritating calm I feel when you are near. The love. I cannot hate you. I will never hate you. I only hate me, for not being able to let go. But I guess that’s me and you have to deal with that.

To K, 2014-2016: I still don’t know why we are not friends anymore. I have blamed E for quite a while, but I realize that is unlikely to have been the cause. I doubt she would have said anything nasty in truth. I would one day like to know why we aren’t friends anymore, perhaps there is a good reason for it, who knows. But I did value your friendship. I want you to know that. And I wish we could have spoken about it.

To E, 2009-2016: This is a really hard one for me, it still feels so fresh. And to be honest, I still don’t know what I think about it all entirely. I guess I expected more is all. We’d been friends so long. We were both writers at heart. You are not a bad person. In honesty, I have never thought you a bad person. You were what I made you. When we first met, you were so quiet, so timid. I made you into my own image. I should not have been surprised that you turned around and bit me on the ass, with a bit of E flair though. You took the people I thought were my friends, they are your friends now, I guess they were never really mine. You told me he had hurt you, and I want you to know I got on a train straight away to see you, to be there for YOU. We went to the pub, sure. But I could’ve gone to the pub in London, I didn’t need to come to Dorset for that. I came for you. To help you. I thought it would help to get you out of the house, get you back into the swing of things, remember you had friends and fun times still to live. I’m sorry you thought I just wanted a friend to go to the pub with, that wasn’t what I meant at all. And I was so angry at you for the exaggeration of truth. I realize now you were probably just confused. You didn’t really understand or know what you felt about the situation. You just needed a friend. And I got angry at you because I felt that you had lied on purpose, to hurt me, because you knew my history. You knew it would trigger a response. But in reality, you probably didn’t realize. It’s not an excuse, but I had just lost one best friend and my beloved pet wolf who meant a lot to me. My emotions were all over the place, I was scared, angry, confused, exhausted, lonely and sad. I know I scared you that night I got really drunk. I don’t blame you, I would have been too. One thing that has always been clear to me, those that I care about most, I tend to lash out at. I don’t know why, I hate it I truly do, and I am still working on it. My love always comes out in anger, it doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I care too much. I wanted to help you, I wanted you to understand why saying things like that could really affect people so that you never did it again, I didn’t want to push you away. I wanted to help you understand, but it came out in anger and poison. I ended up in hospital that night because I knew what I had done, that I had lost a great friend and it was entirely my fault. I do not blame you for that. I hope you are happy nowadays. You look really beautiful and have really come into your own. You should be proud of yourself. You deserve happiness. I hope that one day, we will pass each other in the street and be able to smile, maybe even nod. I know this is not quite what you thought I would say, and I smile knowing I gave you one more shock to the system.

To L, a few days ago: I am sorry. It’s irrational maybe, but I felt betrayed. I have a habit of reflecting people, reflecting their emotions and thoughts. You always felt like you had to defend yourself for being friends with E. And I reflected it, I always felt like I had to be defensive of not being friends with E. The way I see the situation is entirely different to how you have explained how you see it. And I am sorry, but I cannot change how I feel about that. However I am sorry for the verbal diarrhea I recently spit to you on Instagram. I got to a point where I felt so hurt, and it turned to anger as it often does when about people I care about. I shouldn’t have told you that truth in that way. And it is a truth. It was never supposed to be uttered, it has been so many years. But in honesty I feel a little lighter knowing you and J both know. Even if you don’t believe it, that’s okay, I needed to say it anyway. I really do wish the best for you, you have worked so hard for happiness and you couldn’t deserve it more.

I think that’s it. Strange. It does actually feel better writing it all out. Did the doctors actually get it right for once? Did they actually say something useful? Well blow my socks. I wonder how many of you have read all of this like some kind of sit-com, trying to guess who each one is. Really no one will understand it except the people it involves. A pointless post if ever there was one, but it feels good anyway, so I don’t care. I will write one soon that makes more sense. But for now, this is all you’re getting. My one thousand cuts.

LVN

P.S I had to put on my war face to write and post this. Metaphors mean a lot to me.

 

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2 thoughts on “A thousand sins and an apology

  1. WOW hun that was so brave of you and I feel like you deserve a medal for being so open! I always believe it is best to lay your feelings out and not care what they think because if it helps you with your life then its worth it! Is it weird to say i’m proud?

    Liked by 1 person

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